Sex Affair: This Lady Came On My Show To Denounce Her Pastor

The Sunday night just passed, I had on my radio talk show this lady who was in a clandestine relationship with her divorced pastor. She said she kept it clandestine upon his advice because he would not want her to go public with it.

She came on the show to testify how she caught him in his house having sex with this other woman, who is a deaconess in the church and whose husband has an immeasurable trust in him.

She used her cell phone to film the lady and the pastor together. She made a big scene inside the house and even threatened to beat the crap out of the lady.

Two Sundays before she came on the show, she went to church as though nothing happened; he stopped and told her she was not allowed in and in the vicinity of the church anymore.

After she was denied entry, she left to go sit inside her car parked on the road passing in front of the church to talk to a friend on the telephone. As she was talking, a cop came to question her about the exchange she just had inside the church with the pastor. That’s when she found out that he (the pastor) was the one who called the police on her.

She said she is not the first to have fallen in the pastor’s prey. For that reason, she has been touring all the media outlets in the Haitian community in New Jersey to denounce the pastor’s mischievousness so other women will not have to experience the same setback.

What happened to that lady is nothing new. Some of these guys have been doing that for some time now. They have been preying on women in their congregations, causing many families to be destroyed. It was about time someone, a victim, as courageous as that lady could come out to blow the whistle on these kinds of sexual abuses these pastors have been perpetuating on the women in their congregations.

NOT ALWAYS CHEATING IS BAD

No one should condone abuse in relationships -whether it be physical, psychological and/or emotional. Anybody who is in an abusive relationship or marriage MUST leave before the unthinkable occurs. There is no excuse for such behavior.

Now, having said that, some may see cheating as a form of psychological or emotional abuse because it tends to impact the psychological well-being of the person being cheated on. Well, that is, understandably so, a fair argument to make. But not always cheating is bad. Sometimes, it could be the best thing to have happened in a relationship.

Depending on the situation, the act of cheating itself -though deceptive and despicable -should NOT be used as a valid excuse to end a relationship or marriage.

That is why many people admire Hillary Clinton so much for her courage and strong-mindedness. They see in her attributes of a born-leader, who knows how to make the best decisions in times of crisis. She stood against all odds and tribunals of the world to save her marriage with former President Bill Clinton -when the latter had brought shame and deception to their marriage by lying to the world before he admitted having cheated on her with Monica Lewinski.

Unless the person does not really care about you, in this case you have no business being in a relationship or marriage with that person, people do not cheat for the fun of cheating. There is always something that triggers the person to take such a high risk.

Usually, when someone cheats, if you take the time to investigate the cause(s) behind the act, you would find evidence that something is missing in the relationship or marriage. It is not always about the great things that you had done; rather, it could be the basics that you had failed to do causing the person to go outside the boundaries of the relationship or marriage to seek remedy to their dissatisfaction. And if you do not have that level of communication already well-established between you and that person, you may never find out what it is that has been missing.

In Haitian Creole, there is this saying “se chyen ki pa byen manje k mache devant pòt kay moun,” meaning only those dogs that are poorly fed would leave their owners’ places to go look for foods elsewhere. So feed your dog fully and properly, he or she will not feel the need to be roaming outside seeking for self-gratification elsewhere.

Some may argue: “Well, he/she could have just been honest to leave without having to put me through this.” No, the person has never claimed not wanting to be with you, so it would not make any sense to leave you. He/she only wanted that emptiness, which you were incapable of fulfilling, to be fulfilled. That does not mean that the person he/she cheated on you with is better than you. Yes, it is the wrong approach to go about, but a real one at that if we really want to keep it real.

In the case of Arnold Schwazenegger and his wife Maria Shriver, for instance, many people feel for her for the pains and sufferings she has to endure. However, she could be the one at fault. Maybe she is not feeding her dog well enough. Or the worst case scenario, Arnold has a psychological issue that needs to be dealt with.

If a person just cannot stop cheating or has a pattern of documented cheating incidents, maybe that person needs to be psychologically evaluated to determine the underlying causes so necessary steps to help that person could be taken.

When a person cheats, it makes no sense for the person being cheated on to be too quick to walk away. Yes, it is always the first instinctive reaction, but not a sensical and logical one. Together, they should take a moment to evaluate the relationship to see what went wrong and how to fix things.

Cheating is the breaking point in any relationship. Though it is a shameful and despicable act, it could offer the opportunity for the couple to grow. But for that developmental growth to take place, they must assess the state of the relationship or marriage so together they could find ways to treat or cure the problem(s).

Finally, though no one can possibly condone cheating, many agree that it could be exactly what is needed to spice things up, bring some excitement into the relationship or marriage, and get the two individuals involved to pay more attention to and care more about the relationship or marriage. Keep in mind that cheating is a big risk for anyone to take, especially when you really care about the person you are with. So this is not the type of risk people take just for the sake of taking risks. The person accepts to go that far because something is missing and they go out on a mission to find it. Again, feed your dog the way he or she needs to be fed, unless that dog has a mental dilemma, you will not have to worry about him or her cheating on you with someone else. So not always cheating is bad.

A CONVERSATION ABOUT SEX FOR GROWN-UPS

Sex is a major component in determining one’s level of happiness with life. Many aspects, such as socioeconomics and psychosociology of sex, can negatively impinge on one’s sexual life.

In Haiti, for example, one (male or female) could be in their mid or late 20′s and never have to experience the beauty of sex. And socioeconomics, determining the level of privacy a person can have, has a lot to do with that.

More than likely, if your parents are not financially fortunate enough to have the luxury of possessing a sizeable house, where you and your siblings can have their own rooms and all, you may end up having to share a room with four or six siblings, sometimes indiscriminately of gender and age. In such environment, the probability that you have this room all for yourself to spend quality time with your partner is very negligible to the point of nonexistent.

Another aspect of the issue is the psychosociology of sex. Most of us Haitians don’t look at sex as a need to be satiated; we see it as an insulting, derogatory and shameful act. In Haiti, having sex in your parents’ house (knowing that there are people around) is a NO-NO. That cannot happen. It is viewed by most as disrespectful and a violation to the rules of the household. It is unacceptable by all standards for one to even be with their partner in their own room and have the door shut.

Here, in the US, it is not the same. Privacy in the American society is a big concept. Parents start instilling that value in their kids as early as 2 or 3 years old. And the reason for that is because of socioeconomics, giving them the financial easiness to afford such lifestyle.

Also, here in the US, once you turn 18, you don’t have to live at your parents’ house. They would have to beg you to stay. You can have a job and enjoy the privacy of your own place, move out and stay in a college dormitory, or leave your parents’ house to go to the military. You have so many options to choose from, it’s not even funny.

In this country, they have a more liberal and open-minded attitude towards sex than we Haitians do. Here, sex is being looked at as a need. And at 13, 14, or 16, some parents won’t mind if they are to find out that their sons or daughters have been having sex. They will make sure they teach or remind the kids to always protect themselves. Some of them, the more open-minded and liberal ones, not only will they be concerned if they know that at a certain age their sons and/or daughters don’t be having sex, they will even buy them condoms to use when or in case they are having sex.

Unlike in the US, in Haiti, privacy is a matter of luxury, which only the very fortunate few can afford. Unless they can afford a hotel room to have some privacy with a mate, which is very unlikely, or they have a friend that can make his/her bachelor setting or dwelling available to them, don’t be surprised to find out that they are in their mid or late 20′s or even 30′s and have never had sex.

Between the Haitian lifestyle and that of the Americans, I would not claim that one is better than the other. BUT, for the sake of enjoying the beauty of privacy, if most Haitians were asked to choose one that is more appealing and suitable to them, I am sure they would settle for the American way.

LADIES: WHO IS THAT MAN BEHIND YOU?

Behind every successful and accomplished woman, there is a strong, successful and accomplished man. By the same token, behind every miserable, trashy, low life, failed woman, there is a man with those same attributes. You cannot move up the life ladder when someone is pulling you down as you are trying to move up, when someone has proven to be a liability to your achievement and  success. That in itself is against nature’s law of traction and gravity, and nature never gets it wrong.

I know some of the socially and financially independent women will come with the usual lame and sorry line “I can do good all by myself; I don’t need a man…” Well, let me say this to these women: as good as you have it or you are doing now, I bet you could have been better off had you had an accomplished and successful man in your life to love you for who you are and support you in everything that you do (like Michele and Barack). Having such a man in your life is more than just an asset; that is a rock for you to build your empire on. Smart and intelligent women don’t use such lame and sorry line.

Michelle Obama, the First Lady of the United States (I am purposely using her as an example because she has come from the same humble beginnings as most of the ladies reading this piece), you can say she is a successful and accomplished woman. In her humbleness, she may not want to see herself as such, but conventional wisdom would agree that she is one successful and accomplished woman.

She has a beautiful family, a successful academic and professional life; she is highly educated; she seems to be happy; and her husband is the leader of the Free World. If that is not accomplishment and success, I don’t know what is. I don’t know one woman who would not wish to be walking in her shoes right now.

She was not born what she has become today. She was not born with a silver, golden or diamond spoon in her mouth. She had made choices (like all of us, good and bad). But she is one smart and intelligent lady. She knows how to score big. So she had made a choice, a smart one at that.

She chose Barack Obama -the son of an immigrant man from Kenya and a White woman from Kansas, a family-oriented, respectful, supportive, loving, caring, highly educated, goal-oriented man -based on the things she values. That’s how you make smart choices. You make smart choices based on substance, not ridiculousness. I bet some of her so-called friends might have not liked him for her because he was not looking flashy and “hip” with a mainstream profile. But she saw a man in him; she saw in him the substantive attributes which her so-called friends were incapable of seeing.  She is a woman of high standards, not one to settle for anything and everything just because it is flashy, bling bling and mainstream.

I am not asking any one woman to be like Michelle Obama, for no one can ever be like her. But I am asking all women to be smart and intelligent, for they all have the capacity to be intelligent and make intelligent choices. They just have to make good use of that intelligence they are so blessed to have.

Being a woman is to have the ability to make choices (good and bad). However, what makes a woman an intelligent woman is being able to capitalize on that ability to make intelligent choices.

The man a woman has in her life is a reflection of her value system, meaning no one can force her to be with a man just for the fun of being with a man. That has got to be her personal choice. However, if she is going to settle with someone, she knows she has got to make that choice worthy of the wait and worthy of the investment.

Being with someone is not a little kid game; that is a serious matter, one not to be taken lightly. Like I have always said, being with someone is a grown people business, for it can make or destroy your life to the point of irreparable. No matter how you would look at it, you are what you choose. And what you choose is a reflection of your value system. So behind every successful and accomplished woman, there is a strong, successful and accomplished man. And behind every miserable, trashy, low life, failed woman, there is a man with those same attributes.

PLAY POLITICS WITH THE WOMAN’S HEART

Politics and courtship are basically the same –winning the approval of an electorate or the heart of a woman. You have got to have a message. Do not embarrass yourself standing before an audience and not having a message to deliver. It is all about articulating that message in such a way to make your constituents or her fall for you. It may sound easy, but it is not. It requires skills –charisma, articulation or delivery style, humor, etiquette or protocol, etc… Those are the types of skills you acquire as you go, and you develop them.

In politics as in courtship, the goal is to win the heart, nothing less and nothing more. GO FOR THE HEART!!

First, you need to know or have a good grasp of the issues she is interested in so that you can make your case that you are the best candidate to make her dreams come true. It is all about telling her what she wants to hear in a futuristic perspective. If you do not know the life issues (her goals, her aspirations, her likes and dislikes, etc…) she is interested in, how can you articulate a winning message? Otherwise, you are setting yourself for failure. You have got to do your homework if you really want to win her vote or her heart.

Just like the American electorate, when it comes to courtship, women don’t think with their brains; they think with their hearts. That’s why you often hear the sayings “love is blind” and “the insanity of love.”

Gore lost the presidency in America to Bush not because the latter was the best and brightest, not because he had the best plan to move the country forward, but rather because he was “likable.” If the people were using their minds as opposed to their hearts, Gore would have been president; the country would have been in a much better shape than it is today.

In politics as in courtship, it is all about the message. But you can have the best message in the book, if you lack the charisma and the delivery style, you will not be as effective of a winner as you should.

Charisma is the skill that enables you to galvanize your audience, to make their jaws drop, to make them go gaga. It is the “too good to be true” phenomenon. You have to figure out how to do that, how to get her attention. That’s where the skill of charisma comes into play. You cannot win this type of emotional battle if you cannot win the heart.

Also, always fight the good battles –the ones that are winnable and worth fighting for. In other words, if you are willing to die for it, fight for it. By the same token, not all battles are worth fighting for. The same goes for women. Not all women are worth going after. Don’t waste your time. Go after the women with the baggage.

Now, I just used a very subjective terminology, and I am not going to define baggage for you. It is a very subjective terminology in that what I consider to be baggage may not be so to you. The best way to put it is to tell you to go after the women that represent your interests and value the things that you value. If education and a great career are the things that you value and she is the embodiment of those elements, go for it.

Well, I am going to end this by saying one thing: put your everything where your passion is. If you are passionate about that woman, that’s your motivation right there. And motivation is the drive that will get you to excel beyond your expectations. Remember, everything starts with having a winning message, which must reflect the woman’s interests and be articulated in a charismatic way. Do not waste your ammunitions and energy chasing worthless birds. Save them for the toughest and most challenging ones. I am out…

IRRESPONSIBLE SEX & SINGLE PARENTHOOD

We cannot change society’s sentiments or perceptions of women having kids out of wedlock. Yes, it is not nice and kind for any woman to be looked down upon just because she has kids outside the realm of marriage. But what can you do? You cannot change that. What you can change, however, is your approach to courtship and sex.

Sex ought to be a very serious matter, something that must not be taken lightly. Why having sex with a man who does not see you good enough to be his wife? Please tell me. And when things get complicated and twisted, because a child comes to be added to the equation, you want to hate the man for not wanting to be in your life. You don’t mother his child as a way to keep him or pressure him to marry you. Some women do that, and I think it is very illogical.  

I am not here to be telling you to not be having premarital sex. In fact, you should already know where I stand on that. I encourage you to have responsible premarital sex. If you choose to abstain from having sex until you get married, that’s your choice, and no one should make you feel asocial or like some sort of a strange creature. But if you choose to have casual sex with someone you are not married to, be responsible about it. Enjoy the sexual pleasure there is to enjoy with your sense of reason and responsibility, meaning to do so with someone with the potentials and character to be your husband.

Some of you may argue that marriage is not for you. I can understand that, especially with women these days becoming more independent than ever before. However, from a socio-economic perspective, it is more of an asset or investment to be and stay married than it is a liability, especially when you marry a supportive and responsible man. It is not sweet to be working making ends meet. It is not sweet to be stressing yourself over where the money for next month rent is coming from. Keep in mind that 1 income + 1 income = 2 incomes, not zero income.

From a social perspective, it does elevate the image of the woman when she is married. Society looks at you differently. Yes, I understand you are not living your life for people, but that’s the way it is. Can you change that? Well, if you can, go right ahead make it happen. And when/if you do, please do inform me so I could help you spread the word.

Finally, we have too many single mothers out there struggling living egregiously. That is happening because of a choice they had made, for (for the most part) the man/men did not tie their hands and rape them. They had consensual sex with them. Hear me out, ladies: It is not smart to be sleeping with any man just because he has a penis for you to explore. Just know that actions have consequences. Have sex with someone who can be a plus to your life, not a burdensome liability. Use your brain to figure out what tends to work for YOU. No one should tell you how to live your life. However, when things go wrong, your problems, whether you want to agree with it or not, will become other people’s issues. So enjoy your sex life in a smart, responsible and safe manner.

QUIT SAYING LOVE IS BLIND

I have been hearing the saying “love is blind” since I don’t know when, and people are still repeating the nonsense. I am sure I am not the only one to have been hearing it; you too have. Is it really love that is blind, or is it that at times our naïveté leads us into making the foolish, dumb and stupid decisions?

All of us are blessed with the capacity to think and reason, differentiating us from these four-legged animals. Love is indeed powerful, but its power can never get to overpower that of our sense of reason which all of us possess. I am not buying that.   

Relationship is not made for kids to get into. It is a grown people thing. It is not a game; it is a serious matter. It can mess you up to the point where your entire psychological self may need to literally be reconstructed. Choosing someone to be and stay with cannot be a gamble or a game of chess. It has got to be the result of some serious thinking.

Being with someone is just as serious as driving a motor vehicle. The only difference is that, unlike to operate a motor vehicle, you are not required to be licensed to be in a relationship with someone. But, in analogy, driving a vehicle and being in a relationship are basically the same. If love can get you blind, you should not be in relationships, for you will become a danger or a matter of disturbance to yourself and others.

If you realize that you are losing your 20/20 vision, my advice to you is to let someone else drive you around. In other words, if you feel like that love is getting you to lose your sense of logic and start acting foolish, dumb and stupid, maybe you need to do something about yourself. Take a relationship vacation or something until you recover your vision. I have been in the game for some time now, never have I lost my 20/20 vision. So quit saying love is blind.

PREMARITAL SEX & THE SIN FACTOR

Why do people think that premarital sex, which they call fornication, is a sin? This to me is foolishness. Sex is a need just like the need to be fed when hunger strikes. Do you commit a sin for satiating your thirst and hunger, when you are thirsty and hungry? I don’t think so.

The people making this foolish argument want you to marry the person before you could engage in sexual activities with them. Are they really serious? Wait a minute!!! Which marriage are they talking about –the natural marriage of the hearts, which no one can see when taken place (not even the two involved individuals) or the government’s issuance of this piece of paper with the header that reads “marriage certificate?” I am anxious to find out which marriage they are talking about.

We were born with our own sex engine, which, when cranked, has to produce mechanical work. The mechanism put in place to make possible the cranking of that engine is beyond our control. A one-year-old boy’s engine, for instance, could be cranked, and he would not have any knowledge as to what has caused that to happen.

In my view, there is no sin in premarital sex; it is all a scam. We use the sin concept to scare people out in order to establish some degree of order in society. Go ahead enjoy your sex life as much as you can. Just be smart and careful in so doing just like you would if you were to operate a motor vehicle. If the Almighty did not want you to produce mechanical work with that great piece of engine, he would have not blessed you with it in the first place. He did not give it to you as ornament to beautify your body; He gave it to you so you could put mileage on it. lol

MADIVIN & THE MEANNESS OF OUR CREOLE

Kissing lesbians

The most popular Creole word there is to refer to a lesbian is “madivin.” It is a pejorative or derogative term to call someone. But in reality, if the etymologists are relying on the phonetic of the word “madivin,” they could deduct that it is from the French words “ma divine” or the English words “my divine,” meaning something holy and sacred. The question I have been asking is this: how could a holy and divinely inspired word such as this get to have a negative connotation in Creole?